Isn't it odd that the first journal entry I add has to be about something bad.

My husband has finally given up and left me and our child, and I'm an emotional wreck even more than I was before.

It all started a 3 months ago. My husband had just lost his job, and we just had a baby a month before that. That is when the arguments started (after our baby was born), but it got a lot worse as soon as he lost his job. While he was searching for another job, I was trying to find a way to make income using the computer. One night, when me and my husband were fighting, I went a bit crazy and picked up a coffee mug and threw it at him. It hit him in the shoulder and knocked him back. He was swearing really loud saying the same word (f**k) over and over while holding his shoulder with his hand. I just dropped to my knees crying. I said I was sorry and tried to make sure he was ok but he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door without saying another word. He was gone all night, and it was all my fault. I should never have thrown that mug at him. I tried to call and text him on his phone but there was no response. My baby was crying, and so was I....all through the night I didn't sleep, and didn't stop crying until I saw him again.

When he came back the next day. I heard the door opening and ran in that direction to see if he was ok. He said 'I'm sorry', but I told him that he did nothing wrong. He said that he feels like he's been a bad husband and father because he lost his job. We talked for hours and we both came up with a way to make money. Everything seemed to be working out O.K! He trained me in building computers, and we started out own business with the little savings we had. I preferred to be a stay at home working Mum, and I was helping my husband earn money while always being near our child.

We started our business on eBay. Things were really picking up and we were building about 4 computers a week. We made about £120 profit for ourselves each sale, and for our small family, nearly £500 a week was a lot. I think that's almost $900. We were able to pay all the bills and were building up a good reputation on eBay. His motorcycle needed a new a new engine rebuild, and I arranged to have that done. He woke up in the morning, and I told him that his bike had been stolen. He rushed out the door, and I watched as he stood still and stared at his bike. He was so happy and he turned around and picked me up in his arms and squeezed me gently while giving me a little kiss on the lips. He put me down and jumped on his Kawasaki Ninja 250R, started it up and rode off. My husband loves bikes, but we just couldn't afford to get a new engine before. Luckily our friend is a mechanic and works with bikes at a service center, so that's how I arranged to get it all done without my husband knowing. Things just got better and better, and I was able to buy things I could never afford before for my little daughter.

Me and my husband shared the finances equally now, and it was really fair. We had a little savings box that we kept cash in that either of us was allowed to take whatever out and spend it whenever we wanted. We never took everything out, and never got greedy. Always leaving some there for the other. It was perfect! Then it all came collapsing down.

We started buying more and more things online, and leaving money in our PayPal account. As we ordered all our parts online from eBay, and sold our computers through eBay with our powerseller account, we needed to always have money available for the parts. I never expected it would happen, but someone gained access to our PayPal account and I was not able to get any assistance from PayPal in getting our account back. I did the worse thing I could do.. I was dealing with most of the online stuff, and my husband was now building most the computers. I hid the truth from him..I never told him that we no longer had our PayPal account. I told him that business had been slow lately, and he believed me. At this point, we had 20 computers to build and only had parts for 3. I said to him that I'd get the parts soon to continue the rest. Business was not slow, it was picking up really fast, and people were still buying our computers. I was living in hope that I could get our PayPal account back and I kept trying. I got loads of messages from customers on eBay complaining about their computers not arriving. I tried to explain that I couldn't refund them, because someone has access to our PayPal account and we hadn't got it back yet. I advised them to put in a dispute but no one was listening.

I got an email from eBay saying that someone had asked for contact information. Phone numbers were exchanged through eBay's automated system, and I was waiting every day for the phone to call from someone. Every time it rang, I ran to it and picked up. I'm sure my husband was getting suspicious of my panicky behavior. Days later, the phone rang, and I was in the shower! I threw a towel on myself and almost slipped on the floor while running to it. I was too late, my husband's face looked like he had just seen a ghost. He said goodbye to the person on the other end of the phone and he stood there silent for about 20 seconds. Then he said 'What have you done?'. I tried to lie to hiim and tell him I don't know what he's talking about, and I told him I didn't want to argue because our baby was sleeping. We stayed together, but never talked, and every day we were getting phone calls from people complaining about their money and computers. I couldn't deal with the threats any more from people and my husband was dealing with all the phone calls. It just didn't stop, and my husband and I, have not even touched each other for a while now.

At 2:00 AM yesterday, my husband slammed the front door behind him, walking out and taking everything with him... No matter how much I begged him to stay, it didn't change his decision on leaving. He took his bike, and all his clothes. And I have all these people who are threatening to come and kill me if I don't give their money back which I don't have!!! And I am scared for me and my child...but if I go tot he police, won't I be done for fraud? I haven't got anyones money! but I am trying to build as many computers as I can with whatever money we had left in our savings box. I have no income, and I am struggling to put food on the table for my child. My husband claimed that by him leaving it would make it cheaper for me and our daughter to survive..BUT I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!! I WANT HIM...I MISS HIM...!!! I don't want him to leave me, I need him more than ever right now. I'm so worried...if I can't provide for my child, they will take her from me. I'm going to have to sell everything I have. I will never sell the ring my husband got me, even though it's the only thing I have right now that is worth a lot of money.

Tomorrow, I don't know, I think I will just give myself up to the police. I'm broken, without my husband, incomplete. I love him with all my heart..our child needs a father! and I NEED A LOVING HUSBAND like him. I am sorry, I don't know anymore what to say. I am confused.